This looks familiar, have I been here before? As I look around this pin on my road map, it looks so familiar, I have been here before! Just when I thought I was lost, I see clearly now.
It began 3 years ago with a change of relationship status and a new address. a new start if you want to look at it that way but, I frame it a little differently. I call it survival in a world of broken people. the most broken of all, me.
I see it! it is out there, the hope of reconciliation and getting back to what was. it is not going to happen this trip, maybe next time I stop there. There, being a place of Love and rest and safety. A place where you can lay your whole heart out there to soak in all the sunshine and warmth. For the last 3+ years I have been creating a new place of Love and rest and safety. A very protected zone around the heart of my heart. A place that looks and feels differently, a place where healing takes place. I call it my hurt free pain free safe space. It is a humble place in my heart that has accepted the failures of the past, the hurts and brokenness of my heart and laid them all out there in the sun to dry out. This place of quiet reflection has had a little noise going on lately. The noise mainly of my emotions waking up, feelings that had been neatly packed away for many years and forgotten in a storage room somewhere. The feelings that stir the heart of a young girl when she sees something beautiful, the "Oh My" moments. Those feelings. They have been commanding a good portion of my time lately, besides figuring out the day to day making it through the stops and starts and just living.
My last road trip started in 1997. lasted 11 years, it is in the rearview mirror for the last 4 years.
I do not need another road trip as such, just a push pin, a marker on this map that will let me breathe and wait. Wait for not what the next destination will take out of me, but all I can pack into it. I know that if I just breathe, and wait, the map will be revealed to me. the feelings of sharing my heart with another human being that way will have to wait, until the path is clear. The Master planner of my life, God, has this. I have been trusting him mostly all my life since about the age of 7 at my first holy communion. The wrong turns in life are just that, getting off the paved road and taking a gravel road to see what is there. Now don't get me wrong, I still trust, and I still love, but it is a much deeper trust and love that I have ever imagined. Not going to take it back, learning everyday to trust more and more, and knowing I cannot do this alone. Realizing I have never been alone, God has always been with me. What He has in store for the next years of my life on earth remains a mystery, but I know it is for good.
I almost made another wrong turn recently, with my desire to satisfy the longings of my heart. Thankfully, the low fuel light came on and I had to stop, check my heart and refill all the love.
I have made so many new friends in the last 3 years, that has been part of Gods plan, to surround me with loving caring people. for that I am forever grateful.
"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11